dear various students,

first of all, stop picking your nose in class. i know you think you're invisible, or hope to be so, but the fact is, you are just not. i can see you just as well as you can see me. and picking your nose in public and wiping on the table in front of you is disgusting, and will not help you in your quest for invisibility. (nay, it will hinder you!)

second, i care about your problems getting everything done at the end of the quarter only insofar as i care about the general problems of friendly acquaintances, and insofar as i think it's nice when people don't have problems. other than that, i gave you your final assignment FOUR (4) weeks before it is due, allowing ample time to complete it, not to mention revise it extensively, which i am always telling you to do and which i know that you do not do. this is to say: please do not burden me with your complaints about how much you have to do right now and how tight time is, etc., etc.; this is just part of how things go. if someone somewhere promised you that your life would always be comfortable, affirming and easy, i suggest you find that person and sue them.

third, when i ask for your thoughts about an assigned text, i am not asking if you "liked" it or "disliked" it. if you "liked" it, i am happy in the sense that i am generally, vaguely and indirectly happy when people "like" things (similar to the sentiment above). however, as your teacher, i could not possibly care less if you "like" anything i assign you, similar to how i suspect your math teacher could not possibly care less if you "like" or "dislike," say, differential equations. i am requiring you to produce ideas from your encounter with the text, not simply react to its washing over you as you move it past your face. if "liking" it means that you are more apt to produce ideas, well, hooray. but i am not the person to tell; i am not conducting a customer satisfaction survey.

seriously, though. there are so many reasons to stop picking your nose in public. and while i'm on the topic of hygeine in class, also please stop cutting your fingernails and cuticles. seriously.

sincerely yours,

elizabeth