i fear for my tenure

i have a couple of insurmountable personal qualities that might work in many situations but that may well be my shakespearean fatal flaw when it comes to keeping my job forever and ever. (yes, i see my life as a humanistic dramatic performance about tortured inwardness. doesn't everyone?)

one is that i cannot gladhand. i know lots of people who are really good at getting along with people that they might otherwise despise, or who are really good at getting to know, without obvious ass kissing (although it is pretty obvious with some), people who can help them in their careers. i lack the patience and self-control for the first and the initiative for the second. i would far, far, far rather spend time alone then spend time with someone i really don't like, and i just can't be bothered to forge instrumental relationships. i guess maybe if that alone time is spent writing and publishing it could work?

a second: every single emotion i experience shows on my face. more than once, i have been busted on something at the exact moment i thought i had successfully arranged my face to demonstrate nonchalance. so those people who say dumb things but i have to get along with them, or those people who might help me in my career? they don't buy that i actually like them for one second (unless they are saying something interesting and i actually am engaged). at least in meetings there are lots of other faces so that mine might be camouflaged. but otherwise, i'm screwed.

the third flaw that may well nail shut the coffin of my job is that i can't strategize politics. i know people who are really good at keeping track of and capitalizing on who knows what when and who can do what and when, and i don't mean in an underhanded way at all. i think there are totally ethical ways to keep track of various allegiances and enmities of which one can take advantage. and judgment and ethics aside, i also think that if you can, you will, and that's just how it is and evermore shall be. but i am way too lazy, easily confused, or both, to keep track of that stuff. i was also similarly consternated by chess--i can't think moves ahead or anticipate actions. somewhat relatedly, i can't really lie, because i can't be bothered to keep track of the different things i've told to different people.

i realize this could sound very "mr. smith goes to washington"-ish, but i would like to emphasize that i know, like, and very much respect several people who are good at or at least capable of one or more of these things, so it's not that i am some precious innocent in a world of deceit. i've had some conversations recently during which i realized these are skills (or rather, not skills) that are pretty important to have and that i have not (had the chance to?) cultivated. maybe i need to develop a series of drills or something? face-holding-still drills.