where will the young pregnant jamie lynn spears go? as she wanders the earth during this darkest and coldest time of year, who will take her in? will it be her own mother, who was going to write a book about parenting, in spite of being estranged from one of her children? will it be the louisiana courts, where the laws about sex between an eighteen-year old and a sixteen-year old are unclear? will it be her employer nickelodeon? will the prophecies about her baby be fulfilled? won't some innkeeper let her stay in his barn?
or perhaps some other business, like babies-r-us, which designates particular parking spaces for "expectant moms." they will have a place for jamie lynn! and part of the prophecy can be fulfilled: her child will be born in a car. and he will be wrapped in a blanket from target, so close to that parking space. and jamie lynn and the child's earthly father will have easy access to the bathrooms, diaper supply, and popcorn machine at target. and the child will be visited by three leaders from afar, who will bring unto him gifts, such as gold, and patchouli oil and rocks. lo!
but wait. . .that parking spot is taken. by an infidel named elizabeth who thinks it is extremely stupid that they designate such parking spots because expectant mothers are not handicapped, and even though "expectant mother" is not covered by accessibility requirements, people drive past in the same way they would a handicapped spot. THE BEST SPOT IN THE LOT IS ALWAYS EMPTY. and because elizabeth thinks to herself that she is the mom of two cats and two dogs and she EXPECTS that if the world cares so goddamned much about everybody's babies they would guarantee that they will always have affordable quality health care. this parking spot is right up front, right near where elizabeth needs to go, which is target, where unto her will befall vaccuum cleaner filters and toilet paper. and this infidel parks and defies anyone to call her on it, to question whether her abdominal six-pack masks some sort of monstrous gestation. and no one does. no one can look the infidel in the eye!
and so jamie lynn has nowhere to go. pregnant and itinerant. how will the prophecy be fulfilled?!
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3 comments:
Dude. You could change the course of world history right here!
I do have to give a small thanks for those knocked-up spaces. When I was preggers, I was alone 98% of the time. I did all my own shopping, which was actually sort of hard when I was supposed to be on bedrest.
Going to the store was a real challenge. As much as people claim to love pregnant women, it was surprising to me that nobody once said, "Can I help you with that?" when I lugged around gallon jugs of water into my stupid car. People cut you off and don't help, even though you sort of look like you could use a hand.
I'm not saying knocked-up women are disabled, but they do sometimes need a hand. And they're not all lazy boho chicks who just want a closer space (although some are/do). Some of them are single women who could just really use a break--even if it's a measly parking spot that's a little closer.
While pregnant, I was constantly reminded of that line from the Buzzcocks: "I'm not on the make/I just need a break."
f: don't think i wouldn't.
d: thanks!
j: well, then that seems like a larger problem with absentee sperm donors or man's inhumanity to woman. totally depressing. i remember being on crutches and being amazed at the same thing, that no one ever seemed to offer to help when i so obviously needed it. but, er, there's two parking spots. you busted me lying for the sake of a dramatic post. and i actually do help (various kinds of) people when i see them struggling. so i guess i can still afford to think it's stupid that babies-r-us does that, right before making those same preggos they care so much about buy a bunch of crap they don't need and can't afford, and also that people who also perhaps could use a little help pass the spot on by as though it's sacrosanct. but i realize it's a bit of a luxury to think that.
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