emoticonoclasm

i don't use emoticons, but i know lots of smart and interesting and articulate people who do. nevertheless, i think they are a bane on written communication, shrinking our vocabulary and already diminished capacity for difference and nuance in our relationships. in an effort to battle (uphill) the constant relentless move toward general equivalence in all things, i offer here some phrases that you, in your efforts to wean yourself from emoticons and back to actual text, might cut and paste as a first step:

the previous should be taken lightheartedly

just between you and me. . .

can you believe it?

that surprises me!

that amuses me!

i would like to amass more money

i don't know what to say because this seems like an ethical quandary and it's none of my business

i feel silly and whimsical today--let's go to Applebee's

sarcastically speaking, i am a precious little angel straight from heaven

i am really tired today because i hate my job, my spouse and i live with constant tension, and i don't take care of my body. i drink in order to fall asleep and so i don't ever get real sleep or feel good or like myself. i should have gone to art school like i wanted to, in which case i would have been poor but living in good conscience.

don't be such a goddamn blabbermouth

i enjoy gossiping!

you don't say?

let's do something naughty!

i am SO ZANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that is the most awful thing i have ever heard.

oh.