inflated speech acts

write this down, for the holidays and beyond.

UPDATE: also highly recommended to keep in mind during meetings at work.

advice: nobody cares what you think. and seriously, unless you know the nuances and detailed facts of whatever situation you are advising, your advice is good for nothing. it's really just a way for you to feel like a helpful expert, when really you are neither helpful nor an expert, because this particular situation is not one that you have encountered before. in other words, although advice goes around in the disguise of being in the service of others, it's really all about you. note: unless it is solicited.

apologies: look, the first time you apologize, ok. but the second time and every time thereafter just seems incredibly lame, as though you can't learn anything and keep doing the same stupid or thoughtless thing over and over and think you can just buy yourself out cheaply, with a few abject words about yourself. it only embarrasses everyone, so either just fix the situation or avoid it in the first place.

i told you so: possibly the most solipsistic speech act known to humanity. this really is so obviously about you and making yourself feel good, that if i have to explain it to you, you might be pathologically stupid or asocial. it makes the other person's misfortune all about you. there is one exception to this statement's categorical odiousness: if the act about which you originally "told so" directly hurt you. in which case, fire away. if the "i told you so" is about something good (e.g., "i told you if you tied your shoes you wouldn't trip!"), it's still really all about you, so don't even do that. also, see first sentence of first entry.

announcements about how you are somehow significantly different than everyone else: you aren't. as it turns out, other people have suffered emotional setbacks, or made sacrifices, or done something risky, or angered someone, or felt alienated, or had education/experience/pain/joy, or whatever (even children). again, traffic only in particularities (just as you should only engage the particularities of others), because general statements about how radical or generous you are (or whatever) just sound empty and as though you are unwarrantedly impressed with yourself. also, this is a situation where the writers's adage of "show, don't tell" is especially pertinent. if you really are that iconoclastic, your hilarious and shocking anecdotes will communicate that much more clearly than any broad third-person characterization of yourself. if you don't have such anecdotes, well, you do the math.