dear pamela anderson,

i am glad that you broke up with kid rock, who is very ugly and seems stupid also. i'm afraid that your appearance puts you right in the sights of losers, when you deserve so much better. your work on behalf of PETA tells me that you are kind, and your behavior at your comedy central roast tells me that you have a good sense of humor, and those are two of the best qualities for a person to have. plus i know that, as a canadian, you see the canadian way of life as superior to the american way of life, and i can certainly agree with that one.

the series of events in your life that made your image make sense to you are perfectly understandable. i would also surmise that almost all attention you get is the result of deep-seated misogyny. but i sense you already know that and are trying to make a buck, which, more power to you. in spite of the bad company you keep, in general you seem to have somehow maintained an ethical, and even wholesome, existence, for example, not slutting around or publicly doing drugs, etc. in any case, i support you, and think you are smart and hilarious.

sincerely yours,

elizabeth