opening salvo

our new term (quarter) has just started.  i know, i know, stupid in the extreme.  we have three weeks of class, then two weeks of break, then seven weeks of class.  stupid.  but anyway, here we are.  here is how i always kind of think my classes always start (though of course they never do, but this is my fantasy subtext):

welcome to this class.  my name is E in the ROC and this is my favorite class to teach.  here are the syllabus and the policies.  sorry about the typo. you will be graded on X, Y and Z; if you can only deliver on X and Y but give Z a good try and are a good citizen and seem to learn something, you will still probably pass the class. what are your names and why are you here?  here is the general issue and question we will be dealing with this term.  what do you think of it off the top of your head? how interesting.  at some point during this quarter, i will have something between my teeth, or a booger, or my fly will be down, or sweat marks under my arms.  i hope we all recognize that we are all humans.  i can see through your lies, and but i do not care that you are telling them because i do not care about the issue you are lying about.  really, i only care that you do good work and that we are communicating about the subject matter.  i care very little about anything that happens in your life outside of class, so i have written the course policies to reflect this, and they hold 100% of the time.   some of you will get my jokes; most of you will not.  regardless, i will continue to make them.  your own jokes, which are usually about getting out of class early or "tricking" me into not giving a final, are so clichéd as to be offenses against comedy and will be passed over with a very slight roll of my eyes.   if you plagiarize a paper, i will probably catch you and not so much be angry that you stole but that you insulted me and wasted my time.  if your mommy or daddy wrote the paper, though, i probably won't catch you, but you probably have worse problems than not being able to write a college paper, so good luck.  in any case, we're stuck with each other, so let's make the best of it, shall we?