catching up on correspondence

dear pottery barn,

please stop sending me emails.  i may have bought something from you once a long time ago, but i shan't any more, and especially now.  there are so many that they have become meaningless to me.

-elizabeth

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dear lady at the gym,

just so you know, although you probably don't care, i call you and your friends "the bitches."  and when i saw you get in your hummer after our pilates class, i laughed out loud and patted myself on the back for my extreme acumen.  oh, and it's pretty obvious that your boobs are fake, but whoever bought you that giant diamond and that hummer probably prefers it that way, so again i will acknowledge that you probably don't care, especially while you're luxuriating, that i am judging you.  but i am, i can't help it!  i wonder if we would have anything to talk about at all?  maybe the various ways we conform to and defy stereotypes?  

yours, 

elizabeth

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dear yoga and pilates teachers at the gym,

if we knew each other almost any other circumstances, i would probably have some kind of nickname for you, much like "the bitches," only in your case the nickname would include something about being flat-chested and acting like a cheerleader all the time.  however, you are REALLY GOOD at teaching yoga and pilates, and i am very impressed at how much you have dedicated yourselves to what i would surmise started as a hobby for you.  because i personally benefit from your expertise and enthusiasm, i think it is charmingly hilarious that you include hippie elements to your classes (like clothing with political slogans and playing covers of "peace train"), along with your beautiful manicures and pedicures and meticulously highlighted hair (oh, and bediamonded fingers, of course).  it is always a great pleasure to see people doing something that they are really good at anyway.  also you are a lot more smiley than the bitches and so even if, in that other life, i were to nickname you, i would use that nickname (whatever it may be) with some misgiving, because you are so nice.  the bitches on the other hand are always scowling or pouting.  don't you hate them??!  OMG, me too!!

sincerely,

elizabeth