skeptical? here's my reasoning: 1.) humans do not actually know what they want; 2.) humans' bodies often lead them to want things that their minds have trouble processing; 3.) humans' minds construct and/or repress all manner of narratives so that the world can be squoze (?) into some tale that fits much better with ideological commitments (not acknowledged as such) than with some kind of material actuality, approximately 80% of the time (this is science, people); 4.) humans are, in their natural state, hilarious and ridiculous; 5.) humans are, in their natural state, dangerous to themselves and others; 6.) humans lie, lie, and lie again, even when the lie is transparent and especially when they think their dignity is on the line; 7.) all of this is doubly true when it comes to the butt; 8.) if you ever talk to anyone who has worked in an emergency room in any capacity, they will roll their eyes and say something like, "you would not BELIEVE the things people come up with"; 9.) if you made a venn diagram out of examples that demonstrate all these (as i am sure you will agree) unassailable criteria and specifications, the only example that would have overlap of all of them is: showing up to the emergency room because something is stuck in your butt and you claim to not know how it got there or that you fell on it.
i feel all this very strongly and would defend my claim vigorously and intuitively, floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee, but also, as i have already stated, my findings are based on facts and data, not mere speculation, so make sure the aliens know that when you report to them.
4 comments:
What if it was an alien who put something up your butt and you had to go to the emergency room?
Like, for real. What if?
I *really* was just trying out my new electric razor on the ol'perineum, I swear it, you don't have to go to such lengths to call me out. Like I said, I forgot I'd already used the after-bath oil when I remembered all that extra hair and it had nothing to do w/the warm vibrations - it just oozed on up like a possum to its lair, before I even had a chance to look down.
My dog got her tail slammed in a car door (good dog, sorry partner) and despite many trips to the emergency vet and many hundreds of dollars, the tip of the tail died. It was all bandaged up, and it looked very jaunty, and the dog was pretty happy all things considered. Some of those things are that she's dumb. Some are that she had some pain meds. Anyhoo, I was going to take the dog to the vet to have the dead tip taken off, and the very morning of the appointment she wagged her tail outside and the tail-filled bandage flew off. And then the dog ate it. Yeah. Ate it. Like if a chicken went into a bar and ordered wings. Or a ho-ho ate a ding-dong.
But I was so freaked out that my dog ate her own tail -- including the jaunty bandage -- that this is what I told the vet: "And just while my dog and I were standing there amazed that her tail just fell off, a gigantic squirrel jumped down from the tree and picked up the bandaged tail tip and shook it at us like it was laughing at us and then it ran off with the tail in its paws."
Now I see that this is actually a version of "My dog fell on her tail and got it stuck in her butt. Then I fell on my dog. You know the rest. Help me doctor."
oh, bro. anon: ew. mms: HAHAHA! ew.
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