today was the saddest day of my life so far

i had to put my 6 year old, healthy dog down because of the aggression she was showing toward my son.  we had been trying for months to rehome her, locally and afar, though social media, regional and national outlets, our vet, and word of mouth.  we weren't that certain a re-homing would work-- we wondered, what if she did something at her new home or hurt another dog or cat or child?  ultimately two really good home possibilities fell through because she doesn't get along with other dogs, and that seemed to bode poorly for future possibilities.  we couldn't and wouldn't give her to a pound or shelter, where a potentially awful fate (dogfighting, hoarding, euthanasia with no sedative) could await her.  that seemed like a selfish decision that passed off our problem onto someone else and onto her.  we couldn't afford the resources for the intensive behavior modification specialists advised that it would take, and that would not be a guaranteed fix in any case.

i suppose i would have judged someone in this position a while ago, and i felt judged along the way this time, too.  but we were slowly backed against a wall and did not feel we had any choices.  it's one of the many many times and ways i am learning what role judgment plays in social life.

there's lots to say about animal rights, and quality of life, and humane and gentle passing, and training responsibilities, and safety concerns, and acting out of paranoia versus acting responsibly and preventatively, and dog behavior, and dog/human worlds combining, and so on and so forth.  but right now i'm just really really sad.